he'll start by talking john lynch into coming back, since we "can't possibly find a better safety" than this potential hall of famer. . . . he'll also re-sign john engelberger-- i have no idea why! he'll give paymah the 3rd round tender, and package foxworth along with next year's 3rd to move up two spots in the 1st round for a player we could have gotten ten spots lower. . . .he'll
finally cut ian fold. . . . he'll pay zach thomas too much money for too many years, and rave about how "lucky" we are to get a player of his caliber. . . . he'll also incurr my wrath by trading our 2nd to detroit for shaun rogers, who will promptly tear a knee ligament in camp and miss the entire season. . . . and he'll bring in pierson prioleau, who will very capably stink up one of our safety positions for the next two-and-a-half years after replacing abdullah mid-season. . . .
on offense. . . . he will "upgrade" our OT position with the immortal todd steussie, who will lend valuable moral support from his cozy spot on IR. . . . and when harris' back goes out in week 7, he'll slide pears over to LT and replace him with some UDFA even mel kiper hasn't heard of yet. . . . a stroke of true genius that no other coach in the league would dare to even contemplate! he will cut javon walker. . . . he'll give nate jackson a contract extension, but fail in his bid to talk steven alexander out of retirement-- to make up for the loss, he'll sign jerramy stevens in free agency. . . . he'll switch chris kuper to ORT to make room for ben hamilton, then switch him back by mid-season for no apparent reason. . . .
but his master stroke will be the draft, as it has been in the past. . . . having gotten rid of javon walker, he will spend our top ten pick on desean jackson because we need some punch in the return game-- although jackson will never become more than a #3 WR, he'll "justify" the pick by improving our special teams from absolutely wretched to merely pathetic. . . . having spent our lone 1st day selection on a ST contributor, he will then proceed to draft a bunch of projects, tweeners and walking wounded to "improve" the offensive and defensive lines and depth elsewhere. . . . i won't bother to name them, because none of them will ever start a game for the team, or be around past '09-- except for matt forte, who will impress with his 5.3 YPC average before tearing all five of his knee ligaments at once, including one of which medical science was previously unaware. . . .
he will also announce an open competition for the quarterback position in the middle of training camp, and will trade tim crowder for a 4th string WR who fails to make the final cut because "with engelberger around, he wasn't likely to get much playing time anyways". . . . in other words, he will continue to mostly ignore the lines, make questionable at best personnel moves, continue to take chances on players with poor character and significant injury concerns, reach for skill position players with his high draft picks, overspend for aging veterans in free agency, and other trademarks of the shanahan regime. . . .
he will then coach his trainwreck of a team to a 9-7 record, barely missing the playoffs, but producing a late-season surge that takes us out of reach of getting a real blue chip prospect in the '09 draft. . . . followed by the firing of half his coaching staff, and a speech about how disappointed he is that "it just didn't work out for us this year," but he's confident that "we're only a player or two away from making the super bowl next year". . . . pat bowlen will then give him a 3 year contract extension, making him the highest-paid coach in the league. . . .
you heard it here first!
