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Thread: HUMOR (Keep it clean)

  1. #1
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    Default HUMOR (Keep it clean)

    I'll start it off:


    Two men are out deer hunting. Suddenly, one drops unconsious to the ground.

    In a panic, the other rips out his cell phone and calls 911. The operator
    answers.

    "My partner just dropped!" the hunter exclaims excitedly. "I think he had a
    heart attack, and he's dead!"

    "Now take it easy and calm down," the operator responds. "First, we have
    to make sure he's dead."

    After a brief silence, the operator hears BANG!

    "Okay," says the hunter, "now what?"

    -----
    Last edited by Lonestar; 09-23-2008 at 11:10 PM.
    Though He slay me, I will trust in Him . . . (Job 13:15)


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  3. #2

    Default

    ... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

    The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.

    The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.

    The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.

    The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

    The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

    The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

    Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

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  5. #3
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    Default

    I'm thinkin' Tops....

    hmmmm.....

    something clean......

    I'll have to get back to you on that.

    I've been PWUIF...Posting While Under the Influence of Freaks.

    What can I say? They're rubbing off on me.

    This is a daring thread in the midst of this jungle, tops. Best Wishes!

  6. #4

    Default

    ... A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.

    He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
    The man replied, "No."

    Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

    The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

    "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

    "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

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  8. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jody View Post
    I'm thinkin' Tops....

    hmmmm.....

    something clean......

    I'll have to get back to you on that.

    I've been PWUIF...Posting While Under the Influence of Freaks.

    What can I say? They're rubbing off on me.

    This is a daring thread in the midst of this jungle, tops. Best Wishes!
    Now, that's funny!

    -----
    Though He slay me, I will trust in Him . . . (Job 13:15)


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    Default

    It was snowing heavy... the local weather announced 8 more inches and to make it easier for the road crew, all cars had to be parked on the even side of the street.
    Being a good wife, she went out to move the car.
    The next night, the local station announced.."tonight you will need to park on the odd side of the street as we are expecting another 6 inches."
    So being a good wife she went outside to move the car.
    Tonight, still snowing and expected to recieve another 10 inches, my wife sat in front of the T.V. waiting to hear which side of the street to park the car. When the local weatherman said nothing she turned to me in a panic and said, " well I don't know what to do, which side do we park the car on tonight?"
    I lovingly patted her soft blonde hair and said, "Honey.. let's just keep the car in the garage tonight!"

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  11. #7

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    A old man was driving on the Interstate during rush hour.

    His wife calls him in a panic and tells him to be careful

    as she is watching the news and its reported there is one

    car being driven going the wrong way.

    The husband replies back..."One hell...theres hundreds of them".

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  13. #8
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    Default

    I have NO clean jokes. Sorry.
    ________
    WHITE WIDOW SEEDS
    Last edited by CoachChaz; 02-19-2011 at 10:01 PM.

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CoachChaz View Post
    I have NO clean jokes. Sorry.
    Damn, I saw the thread title, and you as the last poster. I was envisioning the beginnings of your first banning here. . .

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    Default ummmm. . . .

    the san diego chargers are going to the playoffs. . . .


    “When we do find that guy, we’ve got to have the continuity on the offensive side to where we can train him and develop him and get him there. This is our fourth offense in probably three or four years. Quarterbacks need to be developed. You don’t find one ready-made. We got to have a solid system in place for when we do go after whatever guy it may be, a young guy or a trade or whatnot.”
    - John Elway

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  19. #11

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    What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

    (Someone is about to lose a trailer.)

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    A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

    After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. ---- Pope John Paul II

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    Default

    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

    The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    "Yeah, my wife..."

    Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. ---- Pope John Paul II

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    Default

    Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

    As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"

    The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
    "Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

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    Default

    This poor old woman brings her duck into the vet, this duck had been her life for years. She layed the duck on the exam table and said...
    "Dr. Please make my duck feel better."
    The vet examined the duck, but quickly realized it wasn't breathing. With a sigh he said kindly,
    "I am sorry but your duck has passed."
    The old lady slammed down her cane and said
    "I want a second opinion!"
    The vet scratched his head trying to think of a way to pacify her,he said,
    "I will have my cat come in. We all know cats love birds, so if your duck is a alive he would know."
    The cat came in, took one sniff of the duck, looked up at the old lady with sad eyes and shook his head no.
    The old lady again slammed the cane on the floor,
    "I want a third opinion then!!"
    The vet, trying to think of a way to end this said,
    " I will call in my labordor. We all know that he is a hunting dog, and if your duck is alive, he will let us know."
    The dog came in, walked around the duck, then looked up at the old woman with his tail between his legs and shook his head no.
    The old woman, finally accepting that her duck was really dead said,
    "Okay then Dr. I will pay my bill."
    The vet said, "Well it is $320.00 total."
    The old lady in a shocked voice said,
    "But is says on your window, $120.00 for services!"
    The vet said,
    "Yes, but you forgot you also had a cat scan and a lab report."

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