Thread: HUMOR (Keep it clean)

Little Girl on the Plane


An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
You a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
Stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Mo walks into a gay bar and tries to sit on the stool, but is struggling becasue of his height. He is climging on the rungs, but then the top heavy stool falls over. Laying on the floor, Mo says, man, sometimes it's a real pain in the ass being this short. a regular named curly walks in and sees Mo on the floor. He reaches his hand down to mo who takes it and is helped up. Mo says, thanks, now that's what I call a hand job. Curly says, there's more where that came from. Mo, says, yeah, I bet there is, let's get out of here.

A gas station owner near Denver was trying to increase his sales .

So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, MO, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."


MO replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE won twice last week."

A Colorado State trooper pulled MO over in his pickup on I-76.

The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

And MO replied, “Bout whut?”

Was a bad week for MO...

After the Statie settled up with him, Mo drove off and headed west to Rte 58, where he pulled over and started unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff pulled up next to MO and asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” MO replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Keep the jokes off posters, please.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?"


Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.


It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."...


The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"


"It's a 'Pabst Smir.' "
.

Preacher walks into a hotel and wants to ensure he doesn't have access to the porn channels as a temptation.

He asks, "Is your porn disabled?"

The clerk replies, "No, it's just regular porn, you pervert."

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Colorado one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, for instance... I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.



The next morning at exactly10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,00bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president.

'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why her lawyer was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Colorado in my hands!'.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97
years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm
doing...


I joined a health club last year, spent about $350. Haven't lost a pound.
I guess I'm supposed to go there, too?

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with
chocolate.



I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting
over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub
with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised
when she looked around to find her husband was nowhere to be
seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

She became so worried she called him on her cell phone to ask him
where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jeweler's we went
into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace we couldn't afford, and I told you I would get it for you
one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do
remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the bar next door."

Frozen Windows on a Cold Winter Morning


Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."


Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."


Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed-up now."
.

First of all, I didn't want to create a new thread. So, I used this thread.

Can you answer this?

Someone’s mother has four sons. North, South and East. What is the name of the fourth son.