Thread: HUMOR (Keep it clean)

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton.
I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing
your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
Sir."

The BCS

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve beer to bears at this bar." The bear says, "What the heck are you talking about? Just give me a beer!" The bartender responds, "I'm sorry, but I just told you, we don't serve beer to bears at this bar." The bear is now starting to get angry. Pointing to a woman slouched over her stool at the end of the bar, he tells the bartender, "If you don't give me a beer right now, I'm going to go down there and eat that woman!" The bartender says nothing, so the bear procedes to carry out his threat. He then comes back and tells the bartender, "If you don't want any more trouble, you'd better give me a beer right now." The bartender tells him, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to drug users at this bar." The bear bursts out, "What?! I don't use drugs!" The bartender calmly responds, "I saw you. That was a barbituate."

Originally Posted by dogfish

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve beer to bears at this bar." The bear says, "What the heck are you talking about? Just give me a beer!" The bartender responds, "I'm sorry, but I just told you, we don't serve beer to bears at this bar." The bear is now starting to get angry. Pointing to a woman slouched over her stool at the end of the bar, he tells the bartender, "If you don't give me a beer right now, I'm going to go down there and eat that woman!" The bartender says nothing, so the bear procedes to carry out his threat. He then comes back and tells the bartender, "If you don't want any more trouble, you'd better give me a beer right now." The bartender tells him, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to drug users at this bar." The bear bursts out, "What?! I don't use drugs!" The bartender calmly responds, "I saw you. That was a barbituate."


I like that, that's what I call one of those "cute" jokes.

ljkhjkhjk;hhju9h[

Subject: Southern High Roller



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I play topless."


With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on,
baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know.. I thought you were
watching."


Moral of the story:
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men. ....are men.

_____

LMAO! I wasnt even there, and I was lost for a second.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dolla rs?"

The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for awhile and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'"?

The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

Ummmm.....

Well......

Ok.....this lady....no

Dang...I still can't think of any clean ones.

Lots of those are funny

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .
"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

Top Ten List You Won't See on Letterman:

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean. (This one is the best - )

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Originally Posted by frauschieze

The BCS

The saddest moment for a wide receiver is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Champ Bailey is.
T-Mobile has been in contact with Champ Bailey to provide their nationwide coverage.
The movie "Catch me if you can" would have been a hell of a lot shorter if Champ Bailey was in it.
Barry Bonds tested positive for Champ Bailey.
On the seventh day, God rested and turned on the football game. He saw Champ Bailey and said, "Dear Me, what have I done!?"
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his life. Champ Bailey calls this "any given Sunday."
Champ Bailey has been banned from selecting in the NFL Draft... because he picks everyone.
Every player that has ever caught a pass over Champ Bailey is now under official investigation by the NFL for performance-enhancing drugs.
All stop signs will be replaced with a cardboard cutout of Champ Bailey.
When Champ Bailey goes to bed, his blankets don't cover him. He covers his blankets.
Champ Bailey's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Champ Bailey.
The only thing Champ Bailey can't do is work in law enforcement. He refuses to undercover.
Glue is made from Champ Bailey's sweat.
Champ Bailey isn't black, he is a shadow.
Champ Bailey's football jersey has been issued to all US soldiers overseas to be worn as a bullet proof vest.
Champ Bailey decided to sell his urine. The product is called Red Bull.
Champ Bailey is the reason why Terrell Owens tried to commit suicide.
Ninjas are Champ Bailey in training.
The next edition of Madden NFL will feature five difficulties: Rookie, Pro, All-Pro, All-Madden, and Champ Bailey.
Champ Bailey does not wear pads to protect himself, he wears them to protect others.
CB doesn't stand for cornerback, it stands for Champ Bailey.
Three-quarters of the Earth is covered by water. The rest is covered by Champ Bailey.

Aguy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender, got any specials today? Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir''.