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Thread: Need some advice

  1. #1
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    Default Need some advice

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    This could be a bit lengthy, so bare with me.

    So there is this guy i know who is in his late 20's who i have known primarily though the internet since he was in his teens. My friendship with him obviously started with music because of the forum we were on and over the years we became good friends. In 2009 he and a few others that Missy and i befriended on that forum came to stay with us for our first MDF concert since we only live 15 minutes from the venue. Since then he has stayed with us a couple of other times during MDF events. He's a good guy aspiring to be a successful actor on the stage instead of movies. At one point in 2013 he had moved to Cali with his then girlfriend who was an aspiring actress and had done a couple of small movie roles.

    But about a year after that they broke up and his plan was to move to New York to get into the stage acting scene (Broadway, etc) so he asked us if he could stay with us for a couple of months (this was in 2014). But what turned out as 2 months turned into 7 months. But we were even ok with that as he finally got a gig doing Buddy Holly where he would tour the country for a few months. What he has been doing since then is trying to line up gigs as often as possible because most times than not the production companies pay for your food and lodging as well as give you a salary. So right now my friend ends up staying with us maybe 2-3 months out of the year before going to do another show.

    Unfortunately, there is a hangup with my friend.

    He is a avid pot user, like everyday pot user. And while im not against him using the drug i find that it creates problems for him around the house. Keep in mind we do not charge him rent of any kind because we know he is a struggling actor. But the few things we do ask from him (lock the doors, dont leave the burner on the stove on, and not to smoke in the basement because of lack of ventilation) he cant seem to focus and remember to do. And its starting to wear on us a little bit. Even something as simple as washing dishes occasionally is too much of a task as we end up redoing a bunch of them because he doesnt clean them very well. Just last night we had to remind him about locking the back door and he said he understood but when Missy got up this morning it was unlocked. The sad thing is he admits that in the past he tends to wear on people who he has stayed with and i wonder if this lead to his breakup with the girl he was dating for 5 or so years.

    Its like he just doesnt care and i feel like now that im kind of being taken advantage of and since ive been there before when i was younger its starting to bring up some negative vibes from me about him. The guy pays for very little and up until recently even his mother was paying for his cell phone bill. I have a feeling that im going to have a much deeper talk with him that could end up ending the friendship. I would hate for it to come to that but i fear that because of his pot use that he may end up getting us burglarized or burn the house down. And with 4 animals that Missy loves so much i think she would actually murder him if he did that. Sadly i think my friend has had it so good over the last few years that he thinks he can go through life living like a squatter which to me just isnt a viable option. So what or how do you guys think i should approach this? Is it time for me to give ultimatums and kick him out for good or what?

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by Northman View Post
    This could be a bit lengthy, so bare with me.

    So there is this guy i know who is in his late 20's who i have known primarily though the internet since he was in his teens. My friendship with him obviously started with music because of the forum we were on and over the years we became good friends. In 2009 he and a few others that Missy and i befriended on that forum came to stay with us for our first MDF concert since we only live 15 minutes from the venue. Since then he has stayed with us a couple of other times during MDF events. He's a good guy aspiring to be a successful actor on the stage instead of movies. At one point in 2013 he had moved to Cali with his then girlfriend who was an aspiring actress and had done a couple of small movie roles.

    But about a year after that they broke up and his plan was to move to New York to get into the stage acting scene (Broadway, etc) so he asked us if he could stay with us for a couple of months (this was in 2014). But what turned out as 2 months turned into 7 months. But we were even ok with that as he finally got a gig doing Buddy Holly where he would tour the country for a few months. What he has been doing since then is trying to line up gigs as often as possible because most times than not the production companies pay for your food and lodging as well as give you a salary. So right now my friend ends up staying with us maybe 2-3 months out of the year before going to do another show.

    Unfortunately, there is a hangup with my friend.

    He is a avid pot user, like everyday pot user. And while im not against him using the drug i find that it creates problems for him around the house. Keep in mind we do not charge him rent of any kind because we know he is a struggling actor. But the few things we do ask from him (lock the doors, dont leave the burner on the stove on, and not to smoke in the basement because of lack of ventilation) he cant seem to focus and remember to do. And its starting to wear on us a little bit. Even something as simple as washing dishes occasionally is too much of a task as we end up redoing a bunch of them because he doesnt clean them very well. Just last night we had to remind him about locking the back door and he said he understood but when Missy got up this morning it was unlocked. The sad thing is he admits that in the past he tends to wear on people who he has stayed with and i wonder if this lead to his breakup with the girl he was dating for 5 or so years.

    Its like he just doesnt care and i feel like now that im kind of being taken advantage of and since ive been there before when i was younger its starting to bring up some negative vibes from me about him. The guy pays for very little and up until recently even his mother was paying for his cell phone bill. I have a feeling that im going to have a much deeper talk with him that could end up ending the friendship. I would hate for it to come to that but i fear that because of his pot use that he may end up getting us burglarized or burn the house down. And with 4 animals that Missy loves so much i think she would actually murder him if he did that. Sadly i think my friend has had it so good over the last few years that he thinks he can go through life living like a squatter which to me just isnt a viable option. So what or how do you guys think i should approach this? Is it time for me to give ultimatums and kick him out for good or what?
    The pot doesn't make him a lazy person. I smoked pot daily for many years and went to work every day, paid my bills bought a house, etc.

    Sounds to me like he is taking advantage of your generosity, North.

    I think you need to ask him to find another place to stay because it doesn't sound like you want to lose him as a friend.

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Northman View Post
    This could be a bit lengthy, so bare with me. So there is this guy i know who is in his late 20's who i have known primarily though the internet since he was in his teens. My friendship with him obviously started with music because of the forum we were on and over the years we became good friends. In 2009 he and a few others that Missy and i befriended on that forum came to stay with us for our first MDF concert since we only live 15 minutes from the venue. Since then he has stayed with us a couple of other times during MDF events. He's a good guy aspiring to be a successful actor on the stage instead of movies. At one point in 2013 he had moved to Cali with his then girlfriend who was an aspiring actress and had done a couple of small movie roles. But about a year after that they broke up and his plan was to move to New York to get into the stage acting scene (Broadway, etc) so he asked us if he could stay with us for a couple of months (this was in 2014). But what turned out as 2 months turned into 7 months. But we were even ok with that as he finally got a gig doing Buddy Holly where he would tour the country for a few months. What he has been doing since then is trying to line up gigs as often as possible because most times than not the production companies pay for your food and lodging as well as give you a salary. So right now my friend ends up staying with us maybe 2-3 months out of the year before going to do another show. Unfortunately, there is a hangup with my friend. He is a avid pot user, like everyday pot user. And while im not against him using the drug i find that it creates problems for him around the house. Keep in mind we do not charge him rent of any kind because we know he is a struggling actor. But the few things we do ask from him (lock the doors, dont leave the burner on the stove on, and not to smoke in the basement because of lack of ventilation) he cant seem to focus and remember to do. And its starting to wear on us a little bit. Even something as simple as washing dishes occasionally is too much of a task as we end up redoing a bunch of them because he doesnt clean them very well. Just last night we had to remind him about locking the back door and he said he understood but when Missy got up this morning it was unlocked. The sad thing is he admits that in the past he tends to wear on people who he has stayed with and i wonder if this lead to his breakup with the girl he was dating for 5 or so years. Its like he just doesnt care and i feel like now that im kind of being taken advantage of and since ive been there before when i was younger its starting to bring up some negative vibes from me about him. The guy pays for very little and up until recently even his mother was paying for his cell phone bill. I have a feeling that im going to have a much deeper talk with him that could end up ending the friendship. I would hate for it to come to that but i fear that because of his pot use that he may end up getting us burglarized or burn the house down. And with 4 animals that Missy loves so much i think she would actually murder him if he did that. Sadly i think my friend has had it so good over the last few years that he thinks he can go through life living like a squatter which to me just isnt a viable option. So what or how do you guys think i should approach this? Is it time for me to give ultimatums and kick him out for good or what?
    Is he back with you right now?
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  5. #4

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    Kick him out in a nice way. Tell him if you want to stay friends that he needs to leave or else it's going to ruin your friendship.

    You are not going to want to hear this North but you are enabling him. I don't care what he is aspiring to do if he can't financially take care of himself he's a lost sole.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Valar Morghulis View Post
    Is he back with you right now?

    Yea, he is leaving tomorrow to go and try to get a gig set up in NY i believe and he will be gone for about a week before coming back here. The biggest problem is he doesnt seem to be following through with his gameplan about making some money and then moving up to NY. The biggest problem for my friend is he doesnt seem to want to work a day job AND do shows. And while that can be taxing i know that many actors/actresses do both to try and make a living and be self sustaining. I know that his ex who is in Cali works as well as try to get acting gigs. But my buddy really has no interest in that and of course because he is a avid user it would be hard for him to pass a drug test. It wouldnt bother me so much if he was at least locking the doors or not not leaving the burner on. Those are safety concerns and last night i even cracked the joke (in hopes with connecting with him) from Breakfast Club by saying "What if your weed was on fire?" I just think he has gotten so used to be catered to and not really having to work to own a place or anything like that. He keeps saying that one day when he makes it he will shower money on all those who have helped him but im just not see it happen for him without putting more thought and work into it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Northman View Post
    Yea, he is leaving tomorrow to go and try to get a gig set up in NY i believe and he will be gone for about a week before coming back here. The biggest problem is he doesnt seem to be following through with his gameplan about making some money and then moving up to NY. The biggest problem for my friend is he doesnt seem to want to work a day job AND do shows. And while that can be taxing i know that many actors/actresses do both to try and make a living and be self sustaining. I know that his ex who is in Cali works as well as try to get acting gigs. But my buddy really has no interest in that and of course because he is a avid user it would be hard for him to pass a drug test. It wouldnt bother me so much if he was at least locking the doors or not not leaving the burner on. Those are safety concerns and last night i even cracked the joke (in hopes with connecting with him) from Breakfast Club by saying "What if your weed was on fire?" I just think he has gotten so used to be catered to and not really having to work to own a place or anything like that. He keeps saying that one day when he makes it he will shower money on all those who have helped him but im just not see it happen for him without putting more thought and work into it.
    Before he goes, I would suggest there will be a change to the house rules when he comes back, and let him know while he is welcome back, he will need to play by the rules otherwise your hospitality will cease.
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    • "If I had to choose which turd I was going to be forced to eat, I'd probably rather the one with a little seasoning on it." CoachChaz

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  10. #7
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    He is a freeloader.

    If you don't kick him out now you will be wiping his ass for him until you do.
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  12. #8
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    To add, I think it's great you are trying to help him out.

    Don't listen to slim, you're a good guy North, everyone hates slim.
    • "My dream is for Slim and Dave to gain that biblical knowledge at the same time." Spiker
    • "Elections are coming down to who promises the most "free" shit to the largest group of the least deserving." Chazoe60
    • "I reject the implication that lube and pink dildos aren't useful." Buff
    • "Franchise Tagged Lives Matter..but not as much as guaranteed money." Jaded
    • "If I had to choose which turd I was going to be forced to eat, I'd probably rather the one with a little seasoning on it." CoachChaz

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  14. #9
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    That is a level of generosity beyond what any normal person could ever expect. You and your wife must be saints. With friends like that who needs enemies. It's time to throw that blood sucking leach out. You are being way way too nice. He needs to move in with his mom. Like yesterday

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  16. #10
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    I did manage to get some feedback from his former lady which shows me there is some deeper issues there that even i wasnt a aware of. Im basically going to follow Turf's and Dave's advice and try to be as nice as possible but let him know that its time to move on. His lady basically told me this which to some degree i suspected was part of the reason for their break up.

    Oivay, this kid. I'm sorry you guys got stuck in this situation. And yes, this does all sound VERY familiar and exactly the reasons I ended up kicking him out. What he truly needs is professional help and a long term medication that replaces what the pot does for him. He tried to quit pot a few times while we were together and he has serious anger issues that the pot is masking.

    But good luck convincing him of that. I can tell you exactly what's wrong with him and why he does the things he does, but I have no idea how to get him to want to improve/help himself. I'll tell you now, kindness and patience doesn't work, I've tried that for 5 years. In the letter he wrote me, he said it was my fault he was the way he was because I didn't try to fix him. He said something about needing me to yell and scream at him and fight with him, but I'm honestly not that type of person and I don't really think it's would have helped anyway. Whatever you do decide, you need to be firm about it and be ready for a blow-up. When I broke up with him, I didn't even say it was because he was a shit boyfriend, I just said that I needed to explore more because he was the only guy I've ever been with. He still spent 4 hours screaming at me, insulting me, and just straight up verbally abusing me, which I knew was going to happen. But by the next morning, he had decided it was a good thing and that he was now free to move to New York and just pretty much made it all about him. I just thought "fine, if that's the fantasy you need to live in, go ahead". My advice, though, (take it or leave it) he needs to leave. You and Missy are married and deserve your space and he needs people to stop handing him things. You can try to push him to get a therapist, but that's going to be another big fight, one I don't think anyone could win.

  17. #11

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    Enabling him is not helping him. Is it possible your generosity has turned into co-dependancy for him?

    I would kindly let him know the living arrangement won't be continuing .

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  19. #12

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    I'd just lay out the facts to him and take it from there. You and Missy have a right to enjoy your house and space. He is there as a guest, as a gift to him, but the unspoken understanding was that it wasn't a forever arrangement. You both enjoy his friendship. You both want to see him happy and in a good place. The situation as it is will not allow him to be happy and in a good place, just look how it's affecting his ability to be a basic good friend and house-teammate. A change is needed so that you and Missy can begin to enjoy your house as you deserve, and so that he can find the right situation for him as he deserves. Just get him to agree with the basic facts of the situation, and take it from there (maybe you just end up riding his ass until he gets in a good financial situation and can make the move). If he can't agree with the basic facts, if he's dedicated to 'freeloading', he's not your friend and that fact needs to come out--as painful as it might be.

    Good luck with this, North.
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    Hit him with a stunner.

    In all seriousness, I vote with what Val said.
    Goodbye, friend.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Valar Morghulis View Post
    To add, I think it's great you are trying to help him out.

    Don't listen to slim, you're a good guy North, everyone hates slim.
    Yeah, just keep enabling him. That should work.

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    Quote Originally Posted by slim View Post
    Yeah, just keep enabling him. That should work.

    #gfy
    You realize that actually falls within his line of work and education, right? Humble yourself.
    Goodbye, friend.

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