Thread: Broncos Gameday Thread: Broncos vs Bears 11/22/15

Joel, when you are not penning outrageously long tomes or quoting some book about football - you are damn funny.

Originally Posted by Davii

Nor his second apparently. I've seen better worded Nigerian Lottery emails.

Here's the Best Nigerian Lotto email:

Re: URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL 12/05/01

To: danladi musa

Okay, McIntire, you can quit the charade now. Boy, oh, boy, you guys in the FBI can get your claws into anything, right? I've been sitting in this cell for eight and a half years now and for eight and a half years I've been asking the warden for access to a computer. Up until yesterday, he always said no.

But then all of a sudden he shows up at my cell with a phony smile and spouts a bunch of trash about me being a model prisoner, and all that trash talk, and out of the goodness of his heart, not only will he let me use a computer two hours every day, but he'll toss in the internet for good measure.

It occurred to me there must be something behind his sudden generosity. It didn't take too long to figure out what it was. Every six months one of you guys and a guy from Treasury have been coming to see me regular as clockwork. And you always have the same offer, that you'll get me out of this joint if I'll just tell where I hid that $263,000. My answer was always no, and the warden always said no to computer time.

So now you guys have finally figured out that I knew all along that when I embezzled that money from the stock firm, that I'd be caught and sent to jail. I even knew you'd plea bargain and you did. Remember how I smiled when you offered a sentence of only five years if I told where the money was? I sure remember that when I said no you got mad and said if I didn't turn over the money you'd make sure I got the maximum sentence. Well, you got your way. You didn't get the money and I got nine years.

And so here we are, McIntire, me with six months to go, and isn't it a strange coincidence that the statutes of limitations for my theft just happens to run out in six months also? Of course I knew that from the beginning and was willing to pay the price, but it looks like you guys have just figured it out and are desperate to get your hands on that money.

So who was it, McIntire, who came up with this foolish scheme to have the warden let me use a computer and the internet? Do you think I'm clever enough to figure out my financial future, jail time and all, and then dumb enough to be bragging about it on the internet with you guys monitoring everything I said? That maybe I had an accomplice and would tell them something that would lead you to the money.

Don't you just love the law, McIntire? I mean, in a short while I'll be out of here, having paid my debt to society for my wrongdoing and for which I cannot be punished again, and I'll have enough money to last me the rest of my days. I can just see you throwing things around your office as you read this.

And what a silly plan you come up with! Sending me this transparent email about some guy in a foreign country having a pile of money he has to get rid of and he's going to give me a percentage if I just give him an account number where he can wire the money. You must have thought that since I embezzled money once, I'd jump at the chance to embezzle some from this stranger.

Sure, sure, sure. I give out the number and you guys zip right in and scoop up the dough. I would have answered sooner, but had to wait until I stopped laughing, which was almost a whole day. You did have a nice touch though, with him saying he's a crook like me, and would make up phony papers that would make me the legitimate beneficiary to all that money.

No way, McIntire, no way, my friend. I know it irks the FBI, the Treasury Department and the Insurance Company that I am going to get away with it, but hey, my friend, in life there are winners and there are losers. I've been a loser long enough and when I get out of here in six months, I'll be a winner.

Okay, McIntire, forget the email games, I'm sitting tight on where the money is. I will give you one tiny hint, though, just because it's the Christmas Season: it's in a financial institution where it's been since the day I stole it, eight and a half years ago and getting 11.5% interest, compounded every six months.

It took me three years to find that company and two more years to gain their confidence enough that they finally agreed to let me open an account. I was willing to bet nine years of my life in prison to make my fortune, and I'm willing to bet six months of it that you'll never see one cent of that money.

Merry Christmas! Your favorite embezzler, KMB

Originally Posted by Valar Morghulis

Joel, when you are not penning outrageously long tomes or quoting some book about football - you are damn funny.

Too bad those rare occasions happen so infrequently. It's painful reading 99.9% of his posts.