Thread: Marriage Humor

Larry was in Big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him: 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds...

AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'



The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found...a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing ever since.

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries an Idaho rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher
says to Amy,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell
me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I
guess it's to hang your pants on."

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN :

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Originally Posted by Bronco9798

There is no humor in marriage.

We will see about this, what is your wifes Email?

NEW HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where
a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."That's nice," she thinks, "but
I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.[/

Jumping On The Bed

A fifty year old woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband
watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18
year-old."


The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto's and mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.



The mistress: Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.



The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.


My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman,
what's for dinner?'

LADIES NIGHT OUT

Two women went out one Friday night without their
husbands.

As they were going home, they had to pee and the only
place to stop was a cemetery. They didn't have any
paper, so one woman took off her panties and used them to dry
herself and then threw them away. The second woman
wouldn't do that so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath.

Their husbands were talking to each other on the phone
the next day and one says to the other: "I suspect that
our wives were up to no good last night. Mine came home without
her panties."

The other one responded: "You're lucky. Mine came home
with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget
you."

What is Marriage?


A man was talking to his daughter one day. She was a typical four year old
girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. Out of the blue she asked
her dad to explain what marriage was.

So Dad explained. But when the young girl appeared to be having difficulty
grasping the concept, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo
album, thinking perhaps visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the
entrance, the wedding ceremony, and the reception.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said. "Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"

Latest innovation from Apple................


Apple does it again!






Apple announced today that it has developed a

breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending

on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough

because women are always complaining about men

staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20..00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong
and how I can make a woman truly happy??"







The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
>

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .

One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.


The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,
'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

Ultimate Blonde Story

A blonde gets home early from shopping
and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.



She rushes upstairs to find her husband
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks..
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and
says, 'Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'


The blonde slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the
closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and
cowering on the closet floor.



'You 'Bitch', she screams.


'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you
would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to
see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row, as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and
they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever
been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said.

"Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer