Thread: Humor

Friendly advice...

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the
Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by ******** who just drink
coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and stuff like that. Therefore,
beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many
accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well
being.

At dawn the telephone rings. 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'


'Si, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod'. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R580 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . .... . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . ...

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh!t!'

Before you order a drink in public you should read this. Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

WOMAN DRINKS AND WHO THEY ARE.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.This should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk.and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required. Everyone just KNOWS what happens there.



MAN DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid...

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

the best "deadpan" comic ever

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died."
"I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."
"Whenever I fill out an application and it says 'In case of an emergency notify...,' I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
"I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I died I could say 'un-quote'."
"I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone's making a penny."
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."
"They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I got rid of everything to see what I had."
"When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen...and replaced with exact replicas."
"Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"My theory of evolution, is that Darwin was adopted"
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that"
"If you're driving a car at the speed of light and turn the headlights on, do you see anything?"