Thread: Humor

A Wet Naked Woman!


One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces BatteryCharge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall! *******************************************


And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Thought from the Greatest Living Scots Thinker - Billy Connolly


Statement of the Century







'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

Colonoscopy



I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Lisa, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.




After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down.
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .




When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?





At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . ..

Darn it, Lisa !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "

s in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you want to know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Criteria Test."

"Triple Criteria?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to assess what you're going to say. The first Criterion is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I have only just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second Criterion, the Criterion of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third Criterion is the Criterion of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well ," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me, or to anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This was a clear example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.





It also explains how Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his missus.

Originally Posted by claymore

Old people getting hurt. Retards doing stupid stuf etc.

I was just about to say old people falling down.

When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this
out:


Stop at your pharmacy

and
go to the thermometer section and

purchase
a rectal thermometer made

by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this
brand.

When
you get home, lock your doors,

draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone
so
you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit
in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer.

Now,
carefully place it on a table or a surface
so
that it will not become chipped or broken.




Now
the fun part begins.

Take
out the literature from the box and read it
carefully.

You
will notice that in small print there is a
statement:




"Every
Rectal
Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is
personally tested
and then
sanitized."


Now,
close your eyes and repeat out loud
five times, I am so glad I do not work in
the thermometer quality
control department at

Johnson
& Johnson.'


HAVE
A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!




Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

Some food for thought.




Some Clever Stuff



1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

My wife and I went to the South of England and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,


THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'





My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'





My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'








I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'









My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE



A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home..

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8 There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.'

"That was a fine story Sarah'



Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single arsehole, blind *******, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'




Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by
saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual
income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through
the United Way?"


The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother
is dying after a long, painful illness and she
has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . .
no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer,
"did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children?"


The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."



And the lawyer says,
"So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife', she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'