Thread: Humor

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said,






"Nope... You are! I'm gonna burn the barn!

Hillbilly Vasectomy....

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I do not see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me...'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(You will love this.)

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.....

I promise you cannot read
these and not laugh out loud.....

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .
Spellings have been left intact.....

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please
execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32
and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of
a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt
in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea
direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and
his
boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
i
don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get
the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought
it
was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could
not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore
throat ,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her
father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids

A SENIOR MOMENT: I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS


A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person..
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery..

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Orangutan and the Hound http://5thworld.com/Paradigm/Posting...nAndHound.html

*************************************** ************************************************** *** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
Home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ************************************************** *******
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
Somethin ' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
And gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
Morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
Husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
Did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
A confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
But the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
No paper on this side either!"
=

I tend to like shock humor. "shock jocks" like Howard Stern (although he can get old after a while). I think Conan O'brien can be pretty funny, in his earlier days anyway, because he can be almost bizarre. Family Guy type of humor is pretty funny because it is completely inappropriate. Physical humor can do alot. Chris Farley (hilarious facial expressions) and Jim Carrey come to mind there.

Originally Posted by bronconut

I tend to like shock humor. "shock jocks" like Howard Stern (although he can get old after a while). I think Conan O'brien can be pretty funny, in his earlier days anyway, because he can be almost bizarre. Family Guy type of humor is pretty funny because it is completely inappropriate. Physical humor can do alot. Chris Farley (hilarious facial expressions) and Jim Carrey come to mind there.

The times I have lost it in really lmao I remember well because they are so rare. Many of these can be "you had to be there" situations because the timing, the atmosphere, and the situation align perfectly and will never be recreated.

Originally Posted by claymore

Old people getting hurt. Retards doing stupid stuf etc.

posts like this are a good example of what I find funny because it's inappropriate. If you don't know Clay, you might ask yourself OMG, is he serious? Even if he is, it's still pretty funny

Originally Posted by broncophan

This is a funny clip from the old game show "The Newleywed Game....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3eNuuQdApo

LMFAO. now that ish is funny

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.



'What's this?' the boss asks

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'



The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'





The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'

The Cajun is the new supervisor

Originally Posted by Jrwiz

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.



'What's this?' the boss asks

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'



The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'





The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'

The Cajun is the new supervisor

hilarious. I don't know if I've ever shared this one, but here goes

what do you call an elderly and very frail Tibetian monk who has walked his entire life without footwear and suffers chronically from bad breath?

He is a......
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with hallitosis.

another


a string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes he is a string and refuses to serve him. The string goes next door to another bar and tries to order. The bartender says, "hey, aren't you a string?" The string replies, "yes, is that a problem?" The bartender says "well, I am sorry but we don't serve strings here". So the string is on his way to another bar but stops. He ties himself and frazzles his ends all bushylike and goes back inside. As he again approaches the bartender, the bartender says "hey, aren't you the string that tried to get a drink here a few minutes ago?" The string answers "no, i am afraid not"

A Melbourne Aussie radio station conducted a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing public moment in a listener`s life. Herewith the final four...


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn`t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don`t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy`s willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn`t want to miss the call, we didn`t make time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend & I were frozen on the spot in a state of shocked embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you knock in with a hammer?

...& the winner is...

1st Place.

This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?'

The professor responded, yes, that`s correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn`t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books & without another word, walked out of the class.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor`s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn`t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue & not in the back of your throat'.

*LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN*



* The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City
and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but
her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat** **down and cried.*

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.



'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



(Wait for it............scroll down.)







'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'