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Thread: The Horror

  1. #1
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    Default The Horror

    Okay, Painter, you said if I started the thread, you would tell the story.

    -----
    Though He slay me, I will trust in Him . . . (Job 13:15)


  2. #2
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    Default This story cracks me up!

    I am a thirty-something who recently went back to college to finish my degree. Imagine my dismay when I walked in to that first classroom, and realized all the desks are made for jr. high students. You know the type; a chair with a platform for your books to rest on. Well, I am not a junior high student. I am the guy fat people hang around with when they want to look thin. I don’t just “take a seat”, I have to wedge myself in, and tuck my belly under the platform for the books. Generally, I can only get about one cheek on the chair.

    One morning in class, after a night of cheap beer and tacos, I had a rumbling in my bowels that told me I had one massive fart brewing. I was trying to decide if I should try and hold it, or do a “one cheek sneak” and let it out, when my uptight, prim and proper professor called on me to answer a question. This is the worst timing in the world for this. I am trying to concentrate on the question at hand, while the rumbling in my gut turns into a legion of butt demons doing a whirling dervish in my colon, screaming for release. Then it happened: a chorus of ass-trumpet loud enough to bring down the walls of Jericho. I farted so hard it hurt. There was a burning/itching sensation that made me think I blew out my sphincter for good. The noise was amplified by the hard wooden seat on the desk. After the echoes died down, I looked up at my professor. She had a look on her face I will never forget. It was a look of complete shock, disgust, and revulsion.

    And then the horror. The HORROR. I started….Laughing! Not just a chuckle or giggle, we’re talking, wild-hysterical-“stop or I’ll pee myself” laughter. And the more I laughed, the more I farted. By this point, there was a cloud of butt bouquet so thick you could taste it. Eyes tearing….nose burning….belly hurts from laughing…I had to get out of there. I needed an obscure corner of the world to curl up and die of embarrassment in. To make my humiliation complete, as I stood up and tried to extricate my gargantuan buttocks from the little desk, I got stuck. The desk was pasted to my ass like a bug on a windshield.

    I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!


  3. #3
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    Default

    Painter, you promised . . . and you pulled through!!

    -----
    Though He slay me, I will trust in Him . . . (Job 13:15)


  4. #4
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    Default

    Dave, I am so glad this wasn't a story you told me when we met in Denver.

    I have a feeling there would have been Budweiser all over the bar, and coming out my nose!
    "Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." Oscar Wilde

    Add me on Facebook!




  5. #5
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    Default

    OMG, i never laughed so hard in my life. That was awesome. "one cheek sneak" lmao!!!

  6. #6
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    Default

    Oh my God. I'm laughing my ass off! (this was too funny for any appreviations).

    Loved this part:

    a cloud of butt bouquet so thick you could taste it.

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  8. #7
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    Default

    That is by far one of the best stories I have ever read. Ever.
    "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer" -Arnold

  9. #8
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    Default

    Wow, just wow. I was laughing so hard that everybody in my office wants me to e-mail the joke to them. . .

  10. #9
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    Default

    At least he didn't shart.

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  12. #10

    Default

    I have tears in my eyes from laughing.
    2012: The Year that Mo Got Laid

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  14. #11
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    Default

    OMG! I think I have tears from laughing so hard..thanks for the giggle at your expense. So what were your classmates doing? and have you went back to class again?

  15. #12
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GRLSLUVFTBL2 View Post
    OMG! I think I have tears from laughing so hard..thanks for the giggle at your expense. So what were your classmates doing? and have you went back to class again?
    Yes. .. and what was the question that scared the shit out of you?

  16. #13
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    Default

    This reminded me of the movie The Master Of Disguise
    And the more I laughed, the more I farted.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  17. #14
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    Default

    Great joke PD Glad to see you back - hope you hang out and post more

    I gotta print that off for someone - i know he'll love it
    Quote Originally Posted by Buff View Post
    More Americans have been killed by New England Patriots players than by Ebola.

  18. #15
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    Default

    If PAINTERDAVE decides to hang around for a while, this is the kind of treat
    we can expect from him. He was Mania's Blue-Ribbon, Grand Champion,
    G.O.A.T. storyteller.

    I think he ought to get an avalanche of PMs, begging him to stay.

    What'yall think?

    -----
    Though He slay me, I will trust in Him . . . (Job 13:15)


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