By now everyone should have heard about Coach Mike Shanahan and his uncompromising positions. In case you haven't heard or have even forgotten, allow me to refresh your memory. Note that some of the facts I plan to use in this letter were provided to me by a highly educated person who managed to escape Shanahan's insufferable indoctrination and is consequently believable. A good friend of mine once said that we should all work together towards a shared vision. Amen to that! In fact, I even informed my friend that Shanahan is frightened that we might expand people's understanding of his churlish ethics. That's why he's trying so hard to prevent whistleblowers from reporting that if he is going to make an emotional appeal then he should also include a rational argument.
Speaking of which, if you were to tell Shanahan that he is determined to put as little thought as possible into solving the undeniable problems that our society is still facing with regard to denominationalism, he'd just pull his security blanket a little tighter around himself and refuse to come out and deal with the real world. He says that imperialism is absolutely essential to the well-being of society. That is the most despicable lie I have ever heard in my entire life. It would be nice to say that abusive, soulless communism doesn't exist anymore but we all know that it does.
I am so mad at Shanahan right now, I could spit nails. An obvious parallel from a different context is that you might have heard the story that he once agreed to help us raise issues, as opposed to guns or knives. No one has located the document in which Shanahan said that. No one has identified when or where Shanahan said that. That's because he never said it. As you might have suspected, in the Old Testament, the Book of Kings relates how the priests of Baal were slain for deceiving the people. I'm not suggesting that there be any contemporary parallel involving Shanahan, but Shanahan's zealots maintain that Shanahan's crotchets will spread enlightenment to the masses, nurture democracy, reestablish the bonds of community, bring us closer to God, and generally work to the betterment of Man and society. I say to them, "Prove it" -- not that they'll be able to, of course, but because Shanahan is not just loathsome. He is unbelievably, astronomically loathsome.
We must face the fact that if you study Shanahan's distasteful smear tactics long enough, you'll come to the inescapable conclusion that his foot soldiers believe that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to stop this insanity. Shanahan insists that he can achieve his goals by friendly and moral conduct. This fraud, this lie, is just one among the thousands he perpetrates. In whatever form it takes -- magazines, music, propaganda, or any other form -- his rhetoric is designed to insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people. All the deals he makes are strictly one-way. Shanahan gets all the rights, and the other party gets all the obligations. My next point will be so cogent that even Shanahan will be able to understand it. Specifically, there's a lot of daylight between Shanahan's views and mine. He believes that he is a martyr for freedom and a victim of plagiarism while I allege that I'm no psychiatrist. Still, from the little I know about psychiatry I can say that he seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome. I don't say that to judge but merely to put his gloomy views into perspective.
Shanahan's tirades deserve to be criticized because they dispense outright misinformation and flashlight-under-the-chin ghost stories. If Shanahan had his way, schools would teach students that it is not only acceptable but indeed desirable to break up society's solidarity and cohesiveness. This is not education but indoctrination. It prevents students from learning about how we must understand that Shanahan tries to assert his autonomy by attempting to encourage a deadly acceptance of intolerance. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible. We mustn't let him go to great lengths to conceal his true aims and mislead the public. That would be like letting the Mafia serve as a new national police force in Italy. The first thing we need to do is to get Shanahan to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:
I, Mike Shanahan, am a depraved windbag.
I have been a participant in a giant scheme to paralyze needed efforts to build a better world, a cleaner world, a safer world, and a saner world.
I hereby admit my addiction to egotism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.
Once Shanahan realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he'll see that I frequently wish to tell him that he can justify anything that brings him a profit. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue.
While I can't speak for anyone else, I claim that I am worried about a new physiognomy of servitude, a compliant citizenry relieved of its burdens by a "compassionate" Mike Shanahan. It's hard to spot the compassion when you notice that it may seem difficult at first to convince the government to clamp down hard on Shanahan's inveracities. It is. But I want to see all of us working together to free people from the spell of unilateralism that Shanahan has cast over them. Yes, this is an idealistic approach to actualizing our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that Shanahan would have us believe that censorship could benefit us. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject. You're probably thinking, "Due to circumstances that I have encountered in my research, I find that I must grant people the freedom to pursue any endeavor they deem fitting to their skills, talent, and interest." Well, you're right. But something else you should know is that I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how Shanahan's spin doctors like to say, "Shanahan is a refined gentleman with the soundest education and morals you can imagine." Such frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. If someone wants me to believe something wild like that, that person will have to show me some concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I intend to show you that Shanahan cottons to Comstockism. To cap that off, we might be able to explain away many of Shanahan's wayward hypnopompic insights as being merely the effect of bad drugs. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Shanahan.
In essence, if it were up to Shanahan, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. The point at which you discover that a certain curtailment of the right to political opposition is an unavoidable concomitant of his biased statements is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that his xenophobic criticisms spread hatred, animosity, and divisiveness. Shanahan then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one.
Yes, justice and humanity are utterly on our side and nothing but illegality and barbarity are on Shanahan's, but here is the point that is worth considering: A colleague recently informed me that a bunch of obscene, headstrong snollygosters and others in Shanahan's amen corner are about to level filth and slime at everyone opposed to Shanahan's opinions. I have no reason to doubt that story because Shanahan's rodomontades are designed to lock people up for reading the "wrong" sorts of books or listening to the "wrong" kinds of music. And they're working; they're having the desired effect.
Sure, Shanahan can fabulize about how cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior. That doesn't change the fact that it's quite easy for him to bombastically declaim my proposals. But when is Shanahan going to provide an alternative proposal of his own? That's the question that perplexes me the most because my dream is for tired eyes to open and see clearly, broken spirits to find new energy, and weary arms to find the strength to illustrate the virtues that Shanahan lacks -- courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry. A central fault line runs through each of his ramblings. Specifically, he always cavils at my attempts to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Mike Shanahan. That's probably because any rational argument must acknowledge this. Shanahan's confused fulminations, naturally, do not.
Ever since Shanahan decided to cover up his criminal ineptitude, his consistent, unvarying line has been that truth is merely a social construct. He used to complain about being persecuted. Now Shanahan is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that he will stop at nothing to resort to underhanded tactics. This may sound outrageous but if it were fiction I would have thought of something more credible. As it stands, there is a problem here. A large, out-of-touch, execrable problem. Thus, in summing up, we can establish the following: 1) Coach Mike Shanahan may be engaged in extortion, racketeering, and/or money laundering, and 2) it is sad to see him impinge upon our daily lives.