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Oivay, this kid. I'm sorry you guys got stuck in this situation. And yes, this does all sound VERY familiar and exactly the reasons I ended up kicking him out. What he truly needs is professional help and a long term medication that replaces what the pot does for him. He tried to quit pot a few times while we were together and he has serious anger issues that the pot is masking.
But good luck convincing him of that. I can tell you exactly what's wrong with him and why he does the things he does, but I have no idea how to get him to want to improve/help himself. I'll tell you now, kindness and patience doesn't work, I've tried that for 5 years. In the letter he wrote me, he said it was my fault he was the way he was because I didn't try to fix him. He said something about needing me to yell and scream at him and fight with him, but I'm honestly not that type of person and I don't really think it's would have helped anyway. Whatever you do decide, you need to be firm about it and be ready for a blow-up. When I broke up with him, I didn't even say it was because he was a shit boyfriend, I just said that I needed to explore more because he was the only guy I've ever been with. He still spent 4 hours screaming at me, insulting me, and just straight up verbally abusing me, which I knew was going to happen. But by the next morning, he had decided it was a good thing and that he was now free to move to New York and just pretty much made it all about him. I just thought "fine, if that's the fantasy you need to live in, go ahead". My advice, though, (take it or leave it) he needs to leave. You and Missy are married and deserve your space and he needs people to stop handing him things. You can try to push him to get a therapist, but that's going to be another big fight, one I don't think anyone could win.