frauschieze
09-11-2009, 08:14 PM
It's not all about the Broncos, though Bill Simmons does touch on them a few time. But it was amusing enough to share and even though it's long, I recommend it.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090910
If we've learned one thing over the years, it's that you can't predict the behavior of someone who has gone unequivocally insane -- whether it's an athlete, a celebrity, a dog with rabies, a female who has passed two or more babies out of her body or, yes, an entire National Football League season.
Once upon a time, I dubbed this phenomenon "The Tyson Zone," after reaching a point at which I would have believed any story about Mike Tyson (real or made up). Over the past few years, a few other celebrities (Ron Artest, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Dennis Rodman, O.J. Simpson, Courtney Love, R. Kelly, Lindsay Lohan, Roger Clemens) have received a Tyson Zone stamp from me. But never an entire professional sports season.
Until now.
For eight solid months, we have been planting the seeds for the loopiest football season ever played. Those seeds bloomed this past weekend with something seemingly spawned from NFL Mad Libs: "Shawne Merriman," "Tila Tequila," "3:45 a.m. choking" and ... go! The ensuing fallout led to nearly 500,000 "Did he perform the Lights Out dance afterward?" tweets, Tequila brazenly attacking Merriman through Twitter, me referring to a human being as "Tequila" in print and Merriman's steadfast denial that he did anything wrong. Merriman said he was preventing his "intoxicated" friend from driving home, with the underlying point being, "In case you didn't notice, she has 'Tequila' in her last name and she became famous as a bisexual MTV serial dater." One of the better legal defenses ever.
On the other hand, Merriman's arrest fits right in with every other weird thing that has happened this offseason. Here are 20 more examples:
1. An NFL superstar turned ex-con (Michael Vick) spent 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, went bankrupt, was released from prison, seemed sufficiently contrite, renounced his old friends, found Tony Dungy as a mentor and then was signed as a backup by the Eagles, whose fans gave him a standing O during his first exhibition appearance. Weird and continues to be weird.
(Important note: My wife and I had so many arguments about the previous paragraph -- I think Vick deserves a second chance, and she thinks Vick should have to wear an electric collar during games and an electric fence should be set up in the end zone so he gets jolted every time he crosses the goal line, just so he remembers exactly what he did. I can honestly say it's the biggest disagreement we've ever had. It even surpassed the time we went to a wedding and she drunkenly accused me of flirting with the bride. Anyway, thank you for making history with my marriage, Michael Vick.)
2. Our winning Super Bowl quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger) was accused of sexually assaulting a Lake Tahoe casino hostess ... who, of course, waited more than a year to make the claim. Creepy weird.
3. The Jaguars quit on coach Jack Del Rio so emphatically last season that it seemed inconceivable he could win them back. How did the team handle it? By keeping Del Rio but introducing new uniforms, new colors and a new logo in April. Did the Jaguars think the new look would confuse the players into thinking they were playing for a new team? Why not take it further and have Del Rio dye his hair, gain 50 pounds and grow one of those 1780s mutton-chop mustaches?
4. The following coaches are now out of the NFL: Tony Dungy, Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren and Marty Schottenheimer. Combined record: 4,512-175 (approximate). Meanwhile, the following coaches are still in the NFL: Dick Jauron, Brad Childress, Tom Cable, Wade Phillips. Combined record: 109-978 (approximate).
5. Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson for either partying too much (the rumored reason) or gaining too much weight (the real reason, or at least the one I'd wager on in Vegas), followed by Simpson partying even more and gaining even more weight. We might have a new Kirstie Alley on our hands; poor Jess suddenly is built like Kirby Puckett with breasts. (Not that this is a bad thing. I'm actually attracted to Zaftig Clingy No Self-Esteem Jess, my single strangest celebrity attraction since Renee Zellweger put on her Bridget Jones weight.) Did you ever think an NFL offseason could shape about 20 future Us Weekly covers? It's happened, my friends. Sneaky weird.
6. Terrell Owens now resides in Buffalo. It's true. And weird.
7. John Madden now is just a retired (and really, really super-wealthy) old guy with long eyebrows. Also true. The last time we had a Madden-less NFL season, I wore glasses and braces. Weird. But here's my question: What happened to the Madden Cruiser? Did he sell it? Is it parked in his driveway? Is it going on eBay? Would he rent it out for a month for my book tour? I spent 35 minutes online searching for any of these answers (and failing). Just because we lost Madden doesn't mean we should lose the Madden Cruiser.
8. Matt Millen and Herm Edwards finally found their professional destiny: TV. Why did it take an entire decade? I don't know.
9. The trend of rolling the dice with young and barely qualified coaches spiraled out of control when two 33-year-olds were hired by the Broncos and Bucs: Josh McDaniels (New England's offensive coordinator for two years) and Raheem Morris (Kansas State's defensive coordinator for two years, as well as Tampa Bay's defensive coordinator for the last four weeks of 2008 ... and, um ... well, that's it). This is turning into Usain Bolt's sprinting records; how much lower and less qualified can we go? In particular, Morris' hiring was perplexing. Imagine ESPN announcing that a 28-year-old former intern who worked on our poker site for two years and edited our NBA page for four months was named the new editor in chief.
To nobody's surprise, both struggled out of the gate. Morris fired his offensive coordinator (someone HE hired) less than two weeks before the season. And thanks to McDaniels' indiscreetly sniffing out Jay Cutler's trade value, the Broncos became the first team in NFL history to willingly trade an under-26 stud QB, settling for a textbook "three quarters for a dollar" trade over just letting his pouting session run its course. The end result? The Chicago Bears -- the Chicago Bears!!! -- have a talented, cannon-armed quarterback for the first time since 1842. Weird weird weird. All of it.
10. A Raiders assistant suffered a broken jaw after reportedly being jumped by head coach Tom Cable during a staff meeting, followed by a clumsy cover-up that had more leaks than a senior golf tournament, raising the question, "How much would you pay for 'Hard Knocks' to do the Raiders every year?" I'm in for $300. Screw it, $400. Let's start a fund.
NFC PREDICTIONS
11. Former Titans star Steve McNair was killed by his 20-year-old mistress (who then killed herself), then mourned as everyone tried to ignore the elephant in the room: McNair, a married guy with four kids, was a beloved person and a transcendent teammate by all accounts ... so we shouldn't dwell on the fact that he reportedly had multiple girlfriends and a bachelor pad two miles from his house. Actually, this wasn't weird. It was just depressing.
12. In April 2008, Marvin Harrison was accused of shooting a man outside Playmakers, a Philly nightclub Harrison owns. The bullets were fired from a Belgian handgun registered to Harrison. Witnesses refused to come forward. The investigation stalled. The man decided to file a civil suit against Harrison. (So did another victim who was struck by a stray bullet.) In July 2009, while sitting in his car, the first accuser was shot seven times and eventually died this week, but not before telling police he believed Harrison hired the gunman. We still don't know who was responsible for either shooting. All we know is:
A. There's a chance the "classiest" (at least on the field) receiver of his generation leads a double life as a gun-toting nightclub owner in a rough section of Philadelphia.
B. This summer, 32 NFL teams told the agent of one of the most prolific receivers ever (and someone who wanted to keep playing), "No thanks, we're good."
(You have to admit ... pretty weird.)
13. Brett Favre changed his mind about playing so many times that when ESPN filmed a "This is 'SportsCenter'" commercial about people in the newsroom passing along the "definitive" word on his latest decision, it had to film two versions -- one in which he came back and one in which he didn't come back -- in case he changed his mind again, and of course, the day the commercial was filmed, news broke that Favre was coming back. Favre signed with the Vikings, a heated NFC North rival of the Packers, trashing his relationship with the state of Wisconsin in the process. I can't think of a single parallel in sports history. We've seen players willingly tarnish their careers to hold on for a couple of extra paychecks, but never at the expense of demigod status in a specific region. Weird. All of it.
14. Unable to accept Favre's waffling anymore, SI's Peter King finally lambasted him in print for "waffling." More stunning than weird. This was like watching the Olsen twins turn on cigarettes.
15. Cincy spent a top-6 pick on an offensive lineman whose breasts jiggled so profanely at the draft combine that it triggered childhood memories of the "Three's Company" producers figuring out convoluted reasons for Chrissy Snow to jump up and down, followed by my trying to throw hydrogen peroxide in my own eyes to unsee the clip. Needless to say, he held out for most of training camp, then broke a bone in his foot two days after reporting. The lesson, as always: There's a reason the Bengals are the Bengals.
16. Former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress (who accidentally shot himself in the leg while illegally carrying a handgun in public) was given a prison sentence 30 times longer than that of Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth (who killed a pedestrian while driving drunk and high). Not only weird, but perplexing.
17. Three NFL teams fired their offensive coordinators: Buffalo, Kansas City and Tampa Bay. I know, not a big deal. Until you remember that it happened last week. Triple weird.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090910
If we've learned one thing over the years, it's that you can't predict the behavior of someone who has gone unequivocally insane -- whether it's an athlete, a celebrity, a dog with rabies, a female who has passed two or more babies out of her body or, yes, an entire National Football League season.
Once upon a time, I dubbed this phenomenon "The Tyson Zone," after reaching a point at which I would have believed any story about Mike Tyson (real or made up). Over the past few years, a few other celebrities (Ron Artest, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Dennis Rodman, O.J. Simpson, Courtney Love, R. Kelly, Lindsay Lohan, Roger Clemens) have received a Tyson Zone stamp from me. But never an entire professional sports season.
Until now.
For eight solid months, we have been planting the seeds for the loopiest football season ever played. Those seeds bloomed this past weekend with something seemingly spawned from NFL Mad Libs: "Shawne Merriman," "Tila Tequila," "3:45 a.m. choking" and ... go! The ensuing fallout led to nearly 500,000 "Did he perform the Lights Out dance afterward?" tweets, Tequila brazenly attacking Merriman through Twitter, me referring to a human being as "Tequila" in print and Merriman's steadfast denial that he did anything wrong. Merriman said he was preventing his "intoxicated" friend from driving home, with the underlying point being, "In case you didn't notice, she has 'Tequila' in her last name and she became famous as a bisexual MTV serial dater." One of the better legal defenses ever.
On the other hand, Merriman's arrest fits right in with every other weird thing that has happened this offseason. Here are 20 more examples:
1. An NFL superstar turned ex-con (Michael Vick) spent 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, went bankrupt, was released from prison, seemed sufficiently contrite, renounced his old friends, found Tony Dungy as a mentor and then was signed as a backup by the Eagles, whose fans gave him a standing O during his first exhibition appearance. Weird and continues to be weird.
(Important note: My wife and I had so many arguments about the previous paragraph -- I think Vick deserves a second chance, and she thinks Vick should have to wear an electric collar during games and an electric fence should be set up in the end zone so he gets jolted every time he crosses the goal line, just so he remembers exactly what he did. I can honestly say it's the biggest disagreement we've ever had. It even surpassed the time we went to a wedding and she drunkenly accused me of flirting with the bride. Anyway, thank you for making history with my marriage, Michael Vick.)
2. Our winning Super Bowl quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger) was accused of sexually assaulting a Lake Tahoe casino hostess ... who, of course, waited more than a year to make the claim. Creepy weird.
3. The Jaguars quit on coach Jack Del Rio so emphatically last season that it seemed inconceivable he could win them back. How did the team handle it? By keeping Del Rio but introducing new uniforms, new colors and a new logo in April. Did the Jaguars think the new look would confuse the players into thinking they were playing for a new team? Why not take it further and have Del Rio dye his hair, gain 50 pounds and grow one of those 1780s mutton-chop mustaches?
4. The following coaches are now out of the NFL: Tony Dungy, Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren and Marty Schottenheimer. Combined record: 4,512-175 (approximate). Meanwhile, the following coaches are still in the NFL: Dick Jauron, Brad Childress, Tom Cable, Wade Phillips. Combined record: 109-978 (approximate).
5. Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson for either partying too much (the rumored reason) or gaining too much weight (the real reason, or at least the one I'd wager on in Vegas), followed by Simpson partying even more and gaining even more weight. We might have a new Kirstie Alley on our hands; poor Jess suddenly is built like Kirby Puckett with breasts. (Not that this is a bad thing. I'm actually attracted to Zaftig Clingy No Self-Esteem Jess, my single strangest celebrity attraction since Renee Zellweger put on her Bridget Jones weight.) Did you ever think an NFL offseason could shape about 20 future Us Weekly covers? It's happened, my friends. Sneaky weird.
6. Terrell Owens now resides in Buffalo. It's true. And weird.
7. John Madden now is just a retired (and really, really super-wealthy) old guy with long eyebrows. Also true. The last time we had a Madden-less NFL season, I wore glasses and braces. Weird. But here's my question: What happened to the Madden Cruiser? Did he sell it? Is it parked in his driveway? Is it going on eBay? Would he rent it out for a month for my book tour? I spent 35 minutes online searching for any of these answers (and failing). Just because we lost Madden doesn't mean we should lose the Madden Cruiser.
8. Matt Millen and Herm Edwards finally found their professional destiny: TV. Why did it take an entire decade? I don't know.
9. The trend of rolling the dice with young and barely qualified coaches spiraled out of control when two 33-year-olds were hired by the Broncos and Bucs: Josh McDaniels (New England's offensive coordinator for two years) and Raheem Morris (Kansas State's defensive coordinator for two years, as well as Tampa Bay's defensive coordinator for the last four weeks of 2008 ... and, um ... well, that's it). This is turning into Usain Bolt's sprinting records; how much lower and less qualified can we go? In particular, Morris' hiring was perplexing. Imagine ESPN announcing that a 28-year-old former intern who worked on our poker site for two years and edited our NBA page for four months was named the new editor in chief.
To nobody's surprise, both struggled out of the gate. Morris fired his offensive coordinator (someone HE hired) less than two weeks before the season. And thanks to McDaniels' indiscreetly sniffing out Jay Cutler's trade value, the Broncos became the first team in NFL history to willingly trade an under-26 stud QB, settling for a textbook "three quarters for a dollar" trade over just letting his pouting session run its course. The end result? The Chicago Bears -- the Chicago Bears!!! -- have a talented, cannon-armed quarterback for the first time since 1842. Weird weird weird. All of it.
10. A Raiders assistant suffered a broken jaw after reportedly being jumped by head coach Tom Cable during a staff meeting, followed by a clumsy cover-up that had more leaks than a senior golf tournament, raising the question, "How much would you pay for 'Hard Knocks' to do the Raiders every year?" I'm in for $300. Screw it, $400. Let's start a fund.
NFC PREDICTIONS
11. Former Titans star Steve McNair was killed by his 20-year-old mistress (who then killed herself), then mourned as everyone tried to ignore the elephant in the room: McNair, a married guy with four kids, was a beloved person and a transcendent teammate by all accounts ... so we shouldn't dwell on the fact that he reportedly had multiple girlfriends and a bachelor pad two miles from his house. Actually, this wasn't weird. It was just depressing.
12. In April 2008, Marvin Harrison was accused of shooting a man outside Playmakers, a Philly nightclub Harrison owns. The bullets were fired from a Belgian handgun registered to Harrison. Witnesses refused to come forward. The investigation stalled. The man decided to file a civil suit against Harrison. (So did another victim who was struck by a stray bullet.) In July 2009, while sitting in his car, the first accuser was shot seven times and eventually died this week, but not before telling police he believed Harrison hired the gunman. We still don't know who was responsible for either shooting. All we know is:
A. There's a chance the "classiest" (at least on the field) receiver of his generation leads a double life as a gun-toting nightclub owner in a rough section of Philadelphia.
B. This summer, 32 NFL teams told the agent of one of the most prolific receivers ever (and someone who wanted to keep playing), "No thanks, we're good."
(You have to admit ... pretty weird.)
13. Brett Favre changed his mind about playing so many times that when ESPN filmed a "This is 'SportsCenter'" commercial about people in the newsroom passing along the "definitive" word on his latest decision, it had to film two versions -- one in which he came back and one in which he didn't come back -- in case he changed his mind again, and of course, the day the commercial was filmed, news broke that Favre was coming back. Favre signed with the Vikings, a heated NFC North rival of the Packers, trashing his relationship with the state of Wisconsin in the process. I can't think of a single parallel in sports history. We've seen players willingly tarnish their careers to hold on for a couple of extra paychecks, but never at the expense of demigod status in a specific region. Weird. All of it.
14. Unable to accept Favre's waffling anymore, SI's Peter King finally lambasted him in print for "waffling." More stunning than weird. This was like watching the Olsen twins turn on cigarettes.
15. Cincy spent a top-6 pick on an offensive lineman whose breasts jiggled so profanely at the draft combine that it triggered childhood memories of the "Three's Company" producers figuring out convoluted reasons for Chrissy Snow to jump up and down, followed by my trying to throw hydrogen peroxide in my own eyes to unsee the clip. Needless to say, he held out for most of training camp, then broke a bone in his foot two days after reporting. The lesson, as always: There's a reason the Bengals are the Bengals.
16. Former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress (who accidentally shot himself in the leg while illegally carrying a handgun in public) was given a prison sentence 30 times longer than that of Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth (who killed a pedestrian while driving drunk and high). Not only weird, but perplexing.
17. Three NFL teams fired their offensive coordinators: Buffalo, Kansas City and Tampa Bay. I know, not a big deal. Until you remember that it happened last week. Triple weird.