Hawgdriver
12-05-2013, 05:42 PM
I've always wanted to write a bad, uninteresting piece of satire like in the Onion. So here it is.
DENVER -- A startling new study was just released by researchers at the University of Boulder. Amidst the raging debate of cold-weather quarterback performance, in particular the performance of Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, this study provides crucial insight into the biomechanics of sub-freezing human performance.
The study, conducted on a sample of thirty individuals placed in cryogenic storage, determined that below a certain threshold, muscular performance declines with temperature.
"We expected to see a dropoff, but nothing this extreme," commented Dr. Zoidberg from the UB Department of Biokinesis. "It's almost like they are frozen."
When asked to explain the exact metabolic and neural pathways of the process, Zoidberg was at a loss. "We are breaking new ground here and it will take years for additional studies and grants to plow these virgin fields. This is pure conjecture, but I wouldn't be surprised if the reason is related to the absence of cellular movement in the subjects." What is the solution to improve cold weather performance? "It's likely that the companionship of wooly mammoths and other ice-age creatures will offer a performance incentive or psycho-somatic boost to the subjects, something we are currently exploring, as soon as we field the proper control group."
Bill Deveroe of Commerce City was less than impressed by the results. "Why the **** you think there aint never been a first Eskimo quarterback, huh? Stick that feather in your gourdcap and smoke on it."
Earlier studies found similar results. Those studies had focused on fringe topics, like the effect of placing hands in icewater for prolonged periods, or dunking athletes in polar-like, rapid-onset hypothermic icewater for extended periods. "I guess I just expected more from the professional athlete. I mean, after 10 minutes in the drink, not a single one could run a sub 5 40!" remarked Berry Steinstein, managing partner of a local elite performance training facility.
In parting, a reflective Zoidberg expressed pride at his team's accomplishment. "To think that this same team that proved athletes have an oxygen-related performance deficit in space have now made this discovery. It reminds me a bit of what all those great minds accomplished at Los Alamos with the atomic bomb. I just hope this discovery doesn't end up in the wrong hands."
DENVER -- A startling new study was just released by researchers at the University of Boulder. Amidst the raging debate of cold-weather quarterback performance, in particular the performance of Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, this study provides crucial insight into the biomechanics of sub-freezing human performance.
The study, conducted on a sample of thirty individuals placed in cryogenic storage, determined that below a certain threshold, muscular performance declines with temperature.
"We expected to see a dropoff, but nothing this extreme," commented Dr. Zoidberg from the UB Department of Biokinesis. "It's almost like they are frozen."
When asked to explain the exact metabolic and neural pathways of the process, Zoidberg was at a loss. "We are breaking new ground here and it will take years for additional studies and grants to plow these virgin fields. This is pure conjecture, but I wouldn't be surprised if the reason is related to the absence of cellular movement in the subjects." What is the solution to improve cold weather performance? "It's likely that the companionship of wooly mammoths and other ice-age creatures will offer a performance incentive or psycho-somatic boost to the subjects, something we are currently exploring, as soon as we field the proper control group."
Bill Deveroe of Commerce City was less than impressed by the results. "Why the **** you think there aint never been a first Eskimo quarterback, huh? Stick that feather in your gourdcap and smoke on it."
Earlier studies found similar results. Those studies had focused on fringe topics, like the effect of placing hands in icewater for prolonged periods, or dunking athletes in polar-like, rapid-onset hypothermic icewater for extended periods. "I guess I just expected more from the professional athlete. I mean, after 10 minutes in the drink, not a single one could run a sub 5 40!" remarked Berry Steinstein, managing partner of a local elite performance training facility.
In parting, a reflective Zoidberg expressed pride at his team's accomplishment. "To think that this same team that proved athletes have an oxygen-related performance deficit in space have now made this discovery. It reminds me a bit of what all those great minds accomplished at Los Alamos with the atomic bomb. I just hope this discovery doesn't end up in the wrong hands."