PDA

View Full Version : A Re-Evaluation of Life....



Jody
11-07-2007, 02:50 PM
Interesting. At work, there is one woman in her late 50's, whom I've gotten to know slightly, but she has also indirectly helped me to re-evaluate my own life. She's divorced, owns a home, overly devoted to her job (to a fault), nit-picks everything and everyone, and in the end, her *standards* are SO HIGH, there's not a soul in the world who could meet her expectations, not even herself. I purposely take 'Connie' out of her comfort-zone in conversation, because she needs it. This woman is 'stiff' and 'frightened' of making a 'wrong move'. She goes around everyday saying to me, "I just know they are going to fire me, I just know it." Yet, come the end of budget time, she remains employed. She 'loves' bugs, especially spiders. She sees a spider in the workplace, everyone calls her to pick it up and remove him to release him to be 'free' outdoors. It's rather sad and pathetic to watch her, and a great 'relief' not to feel any association with her. She'll tell me "I'd really like to meet a man and experience companionship again." I told her, you will have to re-evaluate your life first, and loosen up on your standards for that to happen, because even "I", as even your co-workers do not live up to your standards, how in the world would a man? Connie has obviously not chosen companionship months later. I often think quietly to myself throughout the day, 'Connie's' life is literally over....she's just a skeleton in motion....barely existing.....and in the end, living her life to 'please' everyone else around her. She's afraid of what everyone will think of her for everything.

Do you know anyone like this around you?

In the end, this 'really' is not about 'Connie', but what 'Connie' has done to her own life. She sold herself out.

On a personal level, I 'used' to sell myself short and sell myself 'out', but it's been 10-15 years since that occurred last. Now I don't just 'talk' about what I want to do, I try to make it happen. Of course, we are not in control of everything or everyone around us in our lives, but we are of our own. Sometimes my attitude has intimidated people in my life, but through the years, they have come to really appreciate it....because it can be 'quite catching.' I'm so grateful 'I am not a Connie'.

Are you 'a Connie'? And if so, what ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? ;)

OB
11-07-2007, 03:17 PM
Right now im stuck in a rut - i have about a million choices in front of me but dont know which ones to chose because I feel every choice i ever made has been wrong - so now Ive gotten to this point in life where I dont want to be given choices - :tsk::tsk: Im afraid to make any decision on anything major in my life because Im so afraid its going to come out horribly wrong - im also fearing its turning into a debilitating phobia for me -

I will tell myself - well today Im gonna do this - i dont care who it pisses off or whose feelings i hurt but by the end of the day I will have done nothing and Im in the exact same position I was yesterday, and four years ago :( and sit around kicking myself for not doing it - but its just this horrid cycle that hasnt changed in four years

Day1BroncoFan
11-07-2007, 04:43 PM
I'm not a "Connie" although I think I know someone whom qualifies. She is a person so stuck in her ways that no one can enter her world except on her terms, including friends.

My philosophy is: “If you don’t change something, nothing changes.” I’m currently going through some changes of my own right now. It’s taking a lot longer that I had hoped it would but at least it is happening. If it works out, I should have more time to myself sometime by the end of next year whereas if I keep doing what I’m doing now that may not happen until I retire.


Sometimes you just have to make a change no matter what you think the risk is. Of course, each situation is unique in it's self and one needs to consider what that risk is to them and decide if they are willing to take that risk or not. In my case it's not much of a risk, it just takes more of my time to do that and keep up with what I have already going on.

Jody
11-07-2007, 04:51 PM
Right now im stuck in a rut - i have about a million choices in front of me but dont know which ones to chose because I feel every choice i ever made has been wrong - so now Ive gotten to this point in life where I dont want to be given choices - :tsk::tsk: Im afraid to make any decision on anything major in my life because Im so afraid its going to come out horribly wrong - im also fearing its turning into a debilitating phobia for me -

I will tell myself - well today Im gonna do this - i dont care who it pisses off or whose feelings i hurt but by the end of the day I will have done nothing and Im in the exact same position I was yesterday, and four years ago :( and sit around kicking myself for not doing it - but its just this horrid cycle that hasnt changed in four years

Sometimes, OB, one needs an overhaul on the very fundamental parts of their life, across the board, in order to change their own behavior and break old patterns. I say this, because I've been there, a couple of times over. So, first....understand this....you are in the same shoes many people have experienced. What makes you 'different' from others is 'taking a chance'. When I say that, I don't mean that in a trivial way or just for a cliche'. I actually mean...."Take a chance---on yourself." I know awhile back on the other board, you talked about finding a different job. Did you do that? If you've worn the same hairstyle for years, change it dramatically (it will grow back out if you do not like it - but what you see in the mirror can change your attitude about yourself), change of one friend or two?, change of intimate relationship (because that can either empower you or stiffle you - and literally keep you running in place), only do favors for those who would do it for you in a heartbeat (don't waste good energy on people who just suck you dry-over and over again), and last but most important.....if you don't literally 'value' yourself, no one else will (plain and simple). So you always have to start out by being your own best friend. All of this I have had to do in the past - to 'shake things up' to break old patterns or get out of what you called, "A rut." Do not look at it as you are doing anything wrong or hurtful to other people (because they will survive just fine), look at it as if you don't make these changes, maybe you will not survive, not the way you hope for yourself when all is said and done.

OB - you are not 'a Connie' by any means, but you have been in a rut from various things you've stated in your postings. So, set a date for yourself, and make sure YOU MAKE yourself important enough to change. Start small if it's frightening, but just 'start'....give yourself two weeks of total commitment, and watch how quickly things turn around for you. Whatever lies in 'your heart', do not brush it under the rug. Do not minimize how important it is. You are 'as' important as anyone else in this entire world.

And OB, if in the end someone gets 'hurt' a little, it's okay to feel bad about that, but when you are talking about your own mental and emotional surviving in life....can you really function in anyone's best interest, including yourself, on guilt? I kind of learned that lesson as a young mother - and it was a close friend of mine who said "You'll be even a better mom, and show your daughter hard decisions are a part of life as well, taking care of yourself is as important as taking care of her, and so on." Guilt is for small children to learn better behavior. Remorse is for adults who actually deal with real life situations - that are not always so black and white. You can do this - this plan you have in your head. YOU just have to believe in yourself enough to make it happen. So, first and most importantly, don't be hard on yourself. The time for mourning and feeling guilty over what you have/have not done is over! Just make even one tiny change today to get everything into motion and 'new beginnings' soon lie ahead for you. And you will cry, it will hurt a little, because tremendous change always is like turning yourself inside out - so allow yourself that - just stay 'determined' and keep moving forward, and just simply ' t r u s t ' yourself. You are a beautiful woman, because I've seen your pics on the board. Now - work on the inside to make it all 'match up' my friend.

And one after thought....
Even if this 'change' only last 15-20 years, it *will be* the BEST 15-20 years of your entire life!

Jody
11-07-2007, 04:55 PM
I'm not a "Connie" although I think I know someone whom qualifies. She is a person so stuck in her ways that no one can enter her world except on her terms, including friends.

My philosophy is: “If you don’t change something, nothing changes.” I’m currently going through some changes of my own right now. It’s taking a lot longer that I had hoped it would but at least it is happening. If it works out, I should have more time to myself sometime by the end of next year whereas if I keep doing what I’m doing now that may not happen until I retire.


Sometimes you just have to make a change no matter what you think the risk is. Of course, each situation is unique in it's self and one needs to consider what that risk is to them and decide if they are willing to take that risk or not. In my case it's not much of a risk, it just takes more of my time to do that and keep up with what I have already going on.


Now THIS is a success story! It doesn't mean it's easy, as it never is, but neither is staying in 'a rut', is it Day1? And once we reach the other side to our 'decision'....there is bliss and hope. Sometimes, we can even really *hear* music again (borrowed from someone I love).

I wish you the very best outcome. I guess it goes with that old phrase, "No pain, no gain." However, I've come to believe staying 'in the rut' is much more painful than the pains of change. :D

Day1BroncoFan
11-07-2007, 05:04 PM
Now THIS is a success story! It doesn't mean it's easy, as it never is, but neither is staying in 'a rut', is it Day1? And once we reach the other side to our 'decision'....there is bliss and hope. Sometimes, we can even really *hear* music again (borrowed from someone I love).

I wish you the very best outcome. I guess it goes with that old phrase, "No pain, no gain." However, I've come to believe staying 'in the rut' is much more painful than the pains of change. :D

Staying "in the rut" guarantees constant pain. Change is at least a chance to change that pain to gain.

Who was it that said: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” How true.

Jody
11-07-2007, 05:42 PM
Staying "in the rut" guarantees constant pain. Change is at least a chance to change that pain to gain.

Who was it that said: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” How true.

It's nearly torture to remain to stay 'in the rut', and in being complacent in that rut, part of oneself is completely ~lost~ and has ~disappeared~.

anton...
11-07-2007, 06:01 PM
Right now im stuck in a rut - i have about a million choices in front of me but dont know which ones to chose because I feel every choice i ever made has been wrong - so now Ive gotten to this point in life where I dont want to be given choices -

:shocked:

please never be afraid of choice...

wrong or right, choices are all we have...

its when you no longer have choices to make that you are really in a rut...

but they joy of choices, is that more will come later, past or present, each choice could strike gold sort of speak...

;)
________
HeatherAdams cam (http://camslivesexy.com/cam/HeatherAdams)

cpr940
11-07-2007, 08:50 PM
I believe that those who choose to reduce risk are afraid not only of being hurt, but of hurting or angering others.


As soon as one realizes that one's worth in this world is not, and can never be, determined by another person's opinion of them, the freedom they feel is overwhelming.

Figure out what you believe in. Whether that's religiously, politically, socially, or whatever. Figure out. Tell yourself out loud what that is.

Then live your life accordingly. When you remove inconsistencies and hypocrisies from your personal behavior, that nagging feeling of doubt tends to disappear.

Just allow that as you age, these views occasionally need to be revisited and possibly re-prioritized and changed.

Jody
11-07-2007, 09:31 PM
I believe that those who choose to reduce risk are afraid not only of being hurt, but of hurting or angering others.


As soon as one realizes that one's worth in this world is not, and can never be, determined by another person's opinion of them, the freedom they feel is overwhelming.

Figure out what you believe in. Whether that's religiously, politically, socially, or whatever. Figure out. Tell yourself out loud what that is.

Then live your life accordingly. When you remove inconsistencies and hypocrisies from your personal behavior, that nagging feeling of doubt tends to disappear.

Just allow that as you age, these views occasionally need to be revisited and possibly re-prioritized and changed.

What a relief to see such good advice coming from other board members, and this was state-of-the-art for advice. ;)

cpr940
11-07-2007, 10:07 PM
What a relief to see such good advice coming from other board members, and this was state-of-the-art for advice. ;)


Well, I don't know about state of the art, but definitely some common sense.

Look, humans are fickle. We are. I believe that part of our survival instinct is an inherent selfishness. Not necessarily in a bad way. Selfish in that if you completely go against what you beleive in or what you are in order to please someone else (as opposed to doing it for your own self improvement...which is always good), that you not only can be called generous and selfless, but could also be considered as not really standing for anything.

So, just figure out what is really important you. Could be 3, 5, 10, 20 things. Make sure that you never tolerate your own actions others actions and desires toward you if they go against these core beliefs. This may involve removing yourself from toxic relationship, including familial ones. (But honestly, if a friend or family member is abusing you or your trust, why would you want them around?). It may involve changing jobs.

But once you get all aspects of your life as much on the same page as you can get them, it's pretty amazing how less stressful it can be. A lot of things we bring on ourselves, and we just need to recognize that.

I did this, and while I still work to achieve my goals and am not simply contented, I am happier. Sure, there is always something to do to improve work or life and risks to take. But I realize I got a lot of good going on in my life too. And I am just doing the best I can based on what I believe and make decisions accordingly. I am going to make my share of bad, painful decisions in life.

Life is risk.

Or to quote a famously funny movie:

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

Risk involves some pain. It also involves rewards.

Requiem / The Dagda
11-08-2007, 12:27 AM
I see a lot of people like this who are RA's who would classify as a "Connie" but that just seems to be their personality. It's understandable how someone would be stressed out and paranoid, but I've learned over 20, close to 21 years of life that you can't just sweat the small stuff. When it comes down to it, we all only get to do this once, so why not make the most of it? Actions always speak louder than words, and if I say I'm going to do something - I'm going to do my best to do it. Financially, obviously some of those things can't happen - but I do what I can to make myself happy, and I do whatever I can to benefit those around me. That's sort of the nature of my work.

Being an RA, I have sacrificed a great deal over the past year and a half. I love what I do, I'll always remember the people I've helped and the lives I've helped change, but there's always those "breaking" points where I wish I'd of just moved on last year and went in another direction. I don't have the same life I used to. I always an conscious about what I'm doing, where I'm doing it at - and making sure I'm not doing something that gets me "canned" from my job.

I have to hold myself to a higher standard than most people living in the hall, which sucks. It'll be great this summer when I'm able to not worry about doing things that impact my image here, and my whole next year when I can just finish up my studies in hopes to graduate in the Fall of '09. There are extreme benefits to the work I do, but it's such a "PC" position, it can really drag one down.

Concluding my little rant: I think we all re-evaluate our lives, and I think we have to. It's the only thing that can help keep us sane, it's the only thing that can help make us better. I think we do it daily, but maybe not in such a grand scale as some of the things ya'll have mentioned - but believe me, we do it all the time.

Breaking up with my ex was probably the best thing that happened to me and probably her over the past four/five years. I know who I am now, I know what it's like to be me again. Not that I wasn't "me" for four years, I've just been able to discover myself and finally find my true calling in life. I'm just glad to be in the situation I'm in, and feel fortunate to be where I'm at. I count my lucky stars each day, and I'm pretty blessed.

Just live life with your eyes open. Enjoy the ride, because it doesn't last forever.

Cleveland Rocks
11-08-2007, 07:04 PM
"Connie" sounds like me.

Jody
11-08-2007, 08:28 PM
"Connie" sounds like me.

Yes...she does. Your defensive and self-protective attitude is in need of change, so you can be a happier camper, CR.
I do wish that for you. :D

Cleveland Rocks
11-08-2007, 08:30 PM
Yes...she does. Your defensive and self-protective attitude is in need of change, so you can be a happier camper, CR.
I do wish that for you. :D

Can't. I have a relatively mild case of OCD.

First part of recovery is admitting you have a problem. I know I do and I embrace it. Everyone that knows me personally (IRL) is aware of my various illnesses. I have shared them online on occasion. But not often. I try to hide it whenever possible. But sometimes I can't and have to let it be known.

Jody
11-08-2007, 08:53 PM
Can't. I have a relatively mild case of OCD.

First part of recovery is admitting you have a problem. I know I do and I embrace it. Everyone that knows me personally (IRL) is aware of my various illnesses. I have shared them online on occasion. But not often. I try to hide it whenever possible. But sometimes I can't and have to let it be known.

I was unaware of your diagnosis CR. I am familiar with it, and surprised I did not pick up on it, but then....I don't often 'look' for these things here.

Absolutely, there are exceptions to 'changing', sometimes...it's simply a matter of surviving and doing the best you can with what is on your plate. Thank you for sharing that, and I wish you 'the very best' that you can muster up for your life and your happiness. Maybe Connie has these types of issues, and I didn't pick-up on that either? I guess it's likely, as there is a lot of mystery in life, especially in the work place. Do take care of yourself.

Cleveland Rocks
11-08-2007, 09:02 PM
I was unaware of your diagnosis CR. I am familiar with it, and surprised I did not pick up on it, but then....I don't often 'look' for these things here.

Absolutely, there are exceptions to 'changing', sometimes...it's simply a matter of surviving and doing the best you can with what is on your plate. Thank you for sharing that, and I wish you 'the very best' that you can muster up for your life and your happiness. Maybe Connie has these types of issues, and I didn't pick-up on that either? I guess it's likely, as there is a lot of mystery in life, especially in the work place. Do take care of yourself.

The term used (I don't recall exactly) is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with Intuitive Reflection ? I hope I remembered it right. It is where I know I have a problem and I try to fix it by my means and avoid my behavior. I know my behavior is extreme often and I try to compensate for it. I have numerous fears and I go out of my way to try and get over them but can't. I have a morbid fear of heights and hate looking out windows or down rails. Even a wall a few feet high causes some fear. I hate elevators (the creaking makes me think it is going to snap) so I take stairs whenever possible. I have to take an elevator I go into a prayer (to Jupiter Optimus Maximus). When people talk to me or I respond I often repeat what they said or I said back even though I already responded to the question or understood the question. It just comes out and I do not notice it. It's only when the people talk back to me that I realize I said it. So I walk away and when I am with a friend they tell me that I still said it albeit more silently. Then I am afraid of unclean things and have to wash my hands. What's worse is I suffer from Seborrheic Dermatitis which is a genetic condition that causes 'scales' on my scalp. I got it along my father's genes - my grandmother had a bad case of it. I have a specialized shampoo for it that has Coal Tar inside it to deal with the conditions. But even after washing my hair with it - the symptoms persist. So I resort to wearing a Browns Baseball cap (I have a collection).

Buff
11-08-2007, 09:41 PM
This may be a tad off topic, but as someone who has entered the business world for the first time in the past year or two, I feel like we're all skeletons going through the motions to some extent...

I mean, I have a great job, I'm writing this post from the Las Vegas airport where they sent me on a business trip-- But as I sat in a meeting earlier today discussing the Chinese Nutrition import market, I couldn't help but think about how much I really don't care about the Chinese Nutrition import market... And you can substitute just about anything in there for any job-- At the end of the day, none of it matters, it's just a means to get more money to buy more **** that you don't need.

And the sad part is, there is no end in sight and I can look forward to being in this rat race for the next 40-50 years or so... Now, HW, I know you are saying "If you don't want to be in the rat race for the next 40-50 years, then do something about it." And you're right to some extent, but there isn't really a whole lot that can be done short of winning the lottery... I've got a flexible job that doesn't take themselves too seriously, I get time off when I need it, I get relatively good pay for the work I do--- But it still sucks. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about how great it would be to be ridiculously wealthy so I could spend my days doing the things I want to do... Granted, it is a huge improvement from my previous job and I try to remind myself of that daily-- But the bottom line is I don't want a job. I don't want to spend my whole life toiling away for, essentially, nothing. (I know some old timers probably read that and say 'Get over it Jr.')

**EDIT** Lost my internet connection at the airport earlier... I'll cut it off there.

Jody
11-08-2007, 09:58 PM
This may be a tad off topic, but as someone who has entered the business world for the first time in the past year or two, I feel like we're all skeletons going through the motions to some extent...

I mean, I have a great job, I'm writing this post from the Las Vegas airport where they sent me on a business trip-- But as I sat in a meeting earlier today discussing the Chinese Nutrition import market, I couldn't help but think about how much I really don't care about the Chinese Nutrition import market... And you can substitute just about anything in there for any job-- At the end of the day, none of it matters, it's just a means to get more money to buy more **** that you don't need.

And the sad part is, there is no end in sight and I can look forward to being in this rat race for the next 40-50 years or so... Now, HW, I know you are saying "If you don't want to be in the rat race for the next 40-50 years, then do something about it." And you're right to some extent, but there isn't really a whole lot that can be done short of winning the lottery... I've got a flexible job that doesn't take themselves too seriously, I get time off when I need it, I get relatively good pay for the work I do--- But it still sucks. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about how great it would be to be ridiculously wealthy so I could spend my days doing the things I want to do... Granted, it is a huge improvement from my previous job and I try to remind myself of that daily-- But the bottom line is I don't want a job. I don't want to spend my whole life toiling away for, essentially, nothing. (I know some old timers probably read that and say 'Get over it Jr.')



That's kind of a cynical bleak outlook on life-- but does anyone else think about what a

I hear you on the work place and situations, and for the most part agree, not in every way, but overall. Thank you for the thoughtful post, BBF. However, what I'm talking about is more or less, changing things about one's self vs the 'rat race', for that is something 'most' of us do have control over within reason. Not sticking to old patterns for simply the sake of 'familiarity' I guess, but yet remaining miserable or for some, embittered with others (or the world). Allowing frailities, vulnerabilities, and risk....to actually 'live life' to it's fullest (or as nearly to the fullest as possible). Jobs....careers....those are a whole different ball game, and they are essential to everything else ocurring. However, you are a thoughtful person, as that was a very good post.