Gotta have Jokes

[Denver Native (Carol)]

Well, you all know, I love good, clean jokes - so I will start it off with:

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!..... bottles won't fit in printer !!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[2- Minute Warning]

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I
can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl
had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it
all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar co
de she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've
changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an
alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.


SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it
should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....


Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough. :pIt's tougher if you're stupid:confused:

[2- Minute Warning]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.:confused:
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.):o

[Denver Native (Carol)]

Great jokes 2-Minute Warning :D

[sneakers]

What do you call a smart blonde?


















A golden retriever